Before the children came into our lives, my husband and I had a pretty wonderful, active sex life. As newlyweds we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other but like every married couple typically goes through when you are married for a while, the frequency would waiver.
Whether it would be stress at work, life changes or any other factors, there would be lulls but we would always find our way back to each other.
When we were trying for a baby our sex life became a priority. There were numerous ‘sex-cations’ and lots of effort into spice things up as a way to break from the routine. It was wonderful! We had learned how to focus on each other and make intimacy a priority. I couldn’t imagine ever going back. Our sex life could only go forward and get better, right? I didn’t realize how much effort after our children were here it would take to reconnect with one another.
Always having a good body self-image, I was surprised by my own new perception of my body during and after pregnancy. Not only that but it was also the utter fear of having sex after. After you push out two 6 pound babies, the thought of putting anything back in there is not very appealing. Our sex life almost immediately changed once we found out I was pregnant. I’m sure this was sooner than most couples who find out they are expecting. It had taken us quite long to get pregnant and after the long and physically demanding process of fertility treatments, to find out we were expecting twins I was in constant state of fear of losing my babies. I’m sure all of it was irrational worries and to be truthful, I would have been content lying in bed for the whole 9 months if it helped ensure that nothing unfortunate would happen in my pregnancy.
Source: Greenwichmums – Sex Survey 2014
So needless to say sex was pretty much off the table. Yes, I know that having sex while pregnant will not harm my child and yes, I know if my doctor says it’s okay, I’m good to go but after only a few romps in the bed in the beginning of my pregnancy, I was done… much to my husband’s dismay. To his credit, he never pressured, never whined (though he dropped hints like crazy) and completely understood where my fears where coming from. I had tried to give it a go once more later in my pregnancy, but with my huge belly in the way, the ability to feel sexy was so out of reach for me. How could I feel good having sex when even finding a comfortable position to sleep in was near impossible? I don’t know if my husband could even find me through the mountain of pillows I had strategically placed all around my body in an attempt to get comfortable.
At 36 weeks, I was blessed to give birth to two healthy boys. Looking back, that first couple of months are a complete blur. All of the parenting books I read and as many parenting classes I had taken, I was still unprepared for what life would be like with babies. As completely unprepared for mummyhood I felt, I was completely blindsided by the recovery aspect of giving birth was going to be like. Labor seemed like a walk in the park compared to my recovery. Even though I was fortunate to give birth to both babies without a c-section, the recovery felt never ending. It was like being on a period that would never end and my boobs felt like traitors.
At the 6 week check up with my doctor, it was like my husband had that date circled or had a countdown on his phone because when he came home from work he was itching to know how my doctor’s appointment went and if we had gotten the clearance that it was okay to have sex. This was the first time my husband ever inquired about any of my doctor’s appointments, let alone remembered that I even had one. Yes, my doctor said it was okay to resume sexual activity but unfortunately for my husband I had to explain that I wasn’t ready and to be honest I didn’t know when I would be. It was almost like being a virgin again. I was worried of what it would feel like after just delivering two babies. Would it feel painful to me? Would it feel different to him? Not only was I completely terrified of having sex but I was completely exhausted. How could I possibly get into the mood when any free second I had all I wanted to do was to sleep. Having sex was just time I could spend sleeping.
Source: Greenwichmums – Sex Survey 2014
When I finally felt up to give it a go with my husband, it was like having sex for the first time – uncomfortable and awkward. I was unaware of the hormone changes that can also put a damper on our sex life. I didn’t really realise that there is a reason having sex gets harder. Its nature’s way of saying you’re not ready for another bundle of joy. I can say that with true conviction because the second that our sex life got better, we had fallen into a nice routine and our babies were sleeping through the night, I found out I was pregnant again- much to our surprise, especially since it was so difficult for us to conceive the first time.
What I learned about sex after a baby is that both you and your partner need to take control and make it a priority to get that intimacy back. Yes, things change when you have children but a strong couple will learn to change together and to not only listen to each other’s needs but also take the time to work on ourselves. Of course my body was not the same after having twins and then another baby right after. I’m still a bit squishy with new marks around my belly, but I’m learning to love all my new imperfections and my husband has never let me feel anything less than gorgeous. But I also work on myself. I make it a priority to get to the gym when I can and eat healthy. Not just so because I want to look good for my husband, but I want to keep up with my children and be around for a long time. If I feel good about myself and my body then the more I want to be intimate with my husband.
Other highlights from our survey included the following.
Source: Greenwichmums – Sex Survey 2014
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Diary of is a regular blog, by a regular Greenwich mum. Sharing experiences as a local parent (and member of this website) she’ll be writing about everything and anything. And being completely anonymous – you never know – you could have stood next to her in the Post Office or behind her in Cafe W…
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